Santa’s having a bad time, everyone. The workshop’s busy leading up to the holidays, Christmas spirit is at an all-time low according to a powerpoint slide, and his elf is a grown(ish) man who still says things like “duh”. As if this wasn’t enough, some law firm intern comes along to the North Pole with a message from “this business guy” (no paraphrase, I wrote that down verbatim. Five minutes in and the script has given up on the film already). That’s right boys and girls, Santa’s been served! He’s being sued for causing emotional damage to business people. I know what you’re thinking: screw that jolly old guy, I waited for years and I still don’t have that pony!

I know what else you’re thinking: hang on, business people can’t experience emotional damage. If seasonal films have taught me anything, it’s that those business people have no souls! You are correct, it’s all a ploy to oust Santa and replace him with the cash generator that is Santana Snow. She’s a fairy who gives children sporting equipment! Great… Surely if they needed a crap “real” reason to get rid of this Santa it’d be that the actor looks that tiny bit enough like the man from Too Many Cooks (you know which one I mean) for all children to be scared of him?

It takes a lot to make a stew, Santa is not one of them.
It takes a lot to make a stew, Santa is not one of them.

Thankfully for creepy Santa, there is a lawyer who wants to defend him! And all because of a talking lawyer dog toy (they exist? I’m as baffled as you are) which unlocked his true potential. So that’s what Santa’s gifts do- the good children fulfill their destinies, and the bad children are given a lump of coal, to indicate they should give up and become a chimney sweep right there and then.

There’s a whole plethora of things which factor in to qualify The Case for Christmas an enjoyably bad seasonal movie. It’s a veritable show reel of bad sleep acting, old people hamming up their lines, sequences where Santa just hits shit with a hammer. All concept of stranger danger is hurled out of the window, and who can forget the inclusion of the classic “childhood friends turned lawyer and mechanic sweethearts” trope.  Mental illness is blamed on not enough Christmas, that “business guy” completely messes up the trial like an idiot, and the lawyer’s little daughter gives a speech where she acts on the verge of tears for five minutes whilst saying something cute or whatever. But the film can’t get past this big hurdle called IT’S NOT MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET. This is a bad thing.

Rating: Ho and a half/Ho Ho Ho.

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