The Christmas Secret is about as bland as seasonal movies get, to the extent that I only watched this the other day and all I can remember is how frustrating it was to watch. It’s one of those films which takes the approach of focusing on somebody with a crap deal for Christmas, making that situation worse and worse, and then on Christmas Eve love saves them or something.

Today’s figure straight out of the modern day Book of Job is a single mother who’s experiencing all manner of bullshit for the holidays. She’s been fired, evicted, and her ex is taking her to court in a custody battle. All that, and she’s such a boring character I can’t remember her name. Who cares if Single Mom saved an old lady’s life, or got a new job within the hour of losing her old one? Nobody seems to care. Even the lady she saved keeps hold of Single Mom’s bloody necklace when it falls off! Old lady’s pretty unfazed, saying it must have been an angel’s doing. You and I both know you’re talking shit, old lady. Maybe that’s the attitude of this town, because Single Mom’s lawyer also believes in miracles. I’m baffled, where are my evil seasonal movie lawyers at? The closest we have to anything like that is Single Mom’s new boss, who aggressively describes her cakes as “so good, you’ll want to punch your mama.” Excuse me? Everybody laughs, like that’s an acceptable thing to say?

She’s always on about her son who went travelling on the seas, and died too young. In return, Single Mom offers up the story of her dad who left her a nautical themed necklace when he died too soon as well. Coincidence? No, very thinly veiled plot twist which will be dragged out to the bitter end. Isn’t it convenient how Single Mom never actually knew her dad’s name or appearance? And how mama-punching-cookie-baker had no idea her son had a wife, let alone a child? This ridiculous farce of a reveal carries on for days. You know they’re the same guy, yeah? Good, now you don’t have to bother with watching this film.

Single Mom with her kids, Curly and Single Mom Jr.
Single Mom with her kids, Curly and Single Mom Jr.

There’s also this tedious plotline where the old lady whose life Single Mom saved has a handsome young grandson, who turns out to be Single Mom’s romantic interest. Why? Presumably to get her necklace back or something, because their declaration of love after meeting a week ago is both dumb and stupid. I honestly couldn’t give a figgy pudding about how this film ended, which is good because I have forgotten. Probably with snow and people laughing or something else as generic as the rest of this film.

Rating: Ho/Ho Ho Ho.

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