I had to tick a box saying I was okay with really flashy lights in this film, and then no really flashy lights! Why did you build me up like that, Demand 5? Boo. There will be coal in your stocking this year.

There are a lot of things you’d expect to happen in this film which don’t. Take for example the lovely flashback to Melanie’s childhood, in which she and her happily married, healthy, young parents share some homemade cookies. You can’t help watching that scene without wondering which one of them is going to have died by the time we flash forward to the present day. I had the dad’s number: that guy was getting endless affection and comparisons to Prince Charming. Lo and behold, Melanie’s parents are both alive and happy in their married state! I was shocked.

Their love has inspired Melanie to wish for her own Prince Charming, and Santa comes good this year by finally making her realise she’s getting nowhere with business pants douchebag Justin. How does he do this? Through a series of creepy words and actions, of course!

Santa’s course of action to set up Melanie and her pal Dean ranges from “regular bad film deeds”, to full on, unadultered, get the police to issue a search warrant scary.  He manages to trap Justin and his high school sweetheart in the house by putting a bear outside (ho ho ho) and hiring the police team who don’t care (ho ho American justice system..oh…) to cancelling reservations for cabs, leaving Melanie and Dean stranded in a sweet little town obsessed with them getting together. Even creepier still is Santa’s ability to free up a row on the plane so he can sit with Melanie. When he asks whether somebody else is sitting there, Santa taps his nose and says “I fixed it, he won’t be coming”. Santa, have you… did you kill that man?

Matchmaker Santa, or Widowmaker Santa?
Matchmaker Santa, or Widowmaker Santa?

I mean, come to think of it, how does Santa get all of those presents? We write to him, and he always gets what we’re after- no matter what the cost. I’ll just let that sit with you, four days before he comes clambering into your house at night.

(Rest of the film is alright, I guess. It is massively overshadowed by how creepy this Santa gets though, and the lack of my flashy lights.)

Rating: Ho Ho/Ho Ho Ho.