Now the bad film connoisseurs among you (there’s got to be another one of you, don’t make me look weird) might know about the Mrs Miracle films, starring the surprisingly charming Doris Roberts. They’re cheesy, but they’re great. One thing is for certain: Mr Miracle is most definitely not like Mrs Miracle.

Debbie Macomber wrote both of the books, and co-wrote the screenplay for Mrs Miracle, but not Mr Miracle. This is one of many contributing factors as to why Mr Miracle is just terrible. So terrible. So tediously, tearing your hair out, “why won’t this end” terrible. Rob Morrow plays Mr Mills, a newly appointed guardian angel. There’s so much fun you can have with guardian angels, or non-humans in general: will he be the naïve Christmas-loving manchild like Elf’s Buddy? How about the bumbling but well-meaning novice, like Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life? (NB: If you haven’t seen It’s a Wonderful Life, stop everything and do that now. Even better: watch It’s a Wonderful Life, and never watch Mr Miracle. You’re welcome, world.)

Mr Mills is neither of these endearing archetypes. He is a half-competent, half- idiot, who constantly looks like he’s cringing at his own bad acting. I thought I could stomach his weirdly enthusiastic gesticulating and face-pulling, but I was wondering how much was left of the film after only five minutes. Seriously, he’s infuriating to watch.

I know I sound like a dickhead, but if you watched this film all the way through, you'd be a dickhead too.
I know I sound like a dickhead, but if you watched this film all the way through, you’d be a dickhead too.

Now, I’m sure it’s not all bad, you say. Mr Miracle could improve, or maybe it’ll just get laughably cheesy? No, dear readers. It’s all shit from here. The plot’s okay-ish: Adi is reluctant to finish her studies but feels an obligation to follow on in her late father’s footsteps and become a doctor. Why is she so reluctant, then? Maybe she would rather open a bakery, because she’s always cooking. Turns out, no, she’s just reluctant because of grief or something? The subplot of Adi getting together with the boy across the road is also done with a half-arsed attitude, even though these scenes without Mr Mills are by far my favourite in the film.

Now fair, Mr Mills may be cringing eternally because his students at the community college don’t know how A Christmas Carol ends. It’s bad enough for this film to suggest the tiny Dickens ghost story as the basis for an entire semester of literature work, but a downright insult to the adaptation skills of the Muppets to imply that none of these people know how the stinking book ends.

You want to know the worst part, though? Mr Mills meets a few other guardian angels through the course of the film, one of whom is a dog. I’m seriously telling you that they could have made the film Angel Dog, about the guardian angel who is a dog. That would have been a stellar bad Christmas film. Instead, I got a cringing man saying the line “I know humour now.” No you don’t, Mr Mills. You don’t know humour, you don’t know acting, and you don’t know the agony of having to watch this film.

Rating: Ho/ Ho Ho Ho.