I thought this film would be a riot. Why? Two words: Whoopi Goldberg. We all love a bit of Whoopi, yeah? She’s got cheesy film pedigree: heck, Whoopi played God in a Muppets film once. I went out of my way to record this film, that’s my dedication level with this one. “Aw yeah”, I thought, settling down on the sofa. “This’ll be just like Sister Act.” Wrong, not like Sister Act at all. Very un-Sister Act.

For a start, Whoopi is (disappointingly) neither a moll nor a nun. What’s the point? She’s a TV executive on a shopping channel, and is always yelling about getting coffee. Wacky…  For some reason the channel’s looking into hiring a Santa to host their Christmas range. Alright, nothing says festive spirit like having Father Christmas himself peddling overpriced tat on your TV all hours of the day!

They end up hiring the real Santa (who’d a thunk) because all the other actors were fat drunks. However, Whoopi’s not happy. It’s probably because way back when, Santa promised a young Whoopi that her dad would return from Vietnam in time for Christmas. I mean, technically he was right- the dad does return home at Christmas, as he dies in combat. Woah, Santa! When did you get so twisted in your promises? That was cold, man. Shopping channels, taunting children- what’s next, your elves are racist or something?

Santa’s elves are racist! There’s this whole sequence where Whoopi accidentally calls them goblins, and shit gets prejudiced. They all start gasping and the head elf explains that goblins are all thieves and are, essentially, a hybrid species- but not in so many PC terms. You’d expect that for manufacturing a load of toys for children because it makes them happy, they wouldn’t be such a bunch of bigots. (Or… little-ots. Come on, they’re racist! I’m not the terrible party in this situation!)

"It's okay, some of our best friends are goblins!"
“It’s okay, some of our best friends are goblins!”

My favourite part of this film is when Whoopi’s had enough of the head elf’s shit. She straight up yells “Imma smack you!” and it comes out of nowhere! It’s so out of place in a family film, but also weirdly satisfying because she’s the only relatable one in that scene. My least favourite part of this film is when the film carries on after the “Imma smack you” line. It essentially becomes The Santa Clause, but with special Santa white dreads for Whoopi. Oh yeah, Whoopi’s now Santa. You could ask me why but apart from “a hat glowed on her head one time” I haven’t a clue. I’d really have been more invested if this film had more molls or nuns.

Rating: Ho/Ho Ho Ho.

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