Remember that first awkward relationship you had? Your friends talked to their friends; you kept your safe distance and smiled at one another whilst your best pal arranged the entire thing? Your only date was lunch at whatever cafe did the cheapest cheese toasties, and after about five minutes you realised you had nothing in common except for the shyness which stopped you from ending it for another month?

This film is the freaking embodiment of your awkward toastie lunch.

Hey everyone, it’s Nia Vardalos from My Big Fat Greek Wedding playing the cheeriest florist in the world. Seriously, she knows everyone! (If by everyone you mean the ten people who live on the only street in this film.) She’s also the spokesperson for love, apparently. This is proved in many different scenes: there’s the cinematographic classic where a grumpy man tells her that Valentine’s day is shit. See also her ragtag bunch of friends who fail to function unless sat in a cafe waiting for her to sweep in looking better than them and dictate their lives. Look, if I wrote, directed, and starred in my own film, of course I’d make myself the prettiest and smartest character there, but I wouldn’t be so damn obvious about it, God!

Romance Queen states that every great romance only lasts five dates, a philosophy she imparts on new would-be tapas restaurant owner, the guy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Let’s just take a moment out to look at the name of the would-be tapas restaurant. It’s called “Get on Tapas”. Is that like “let’s Get On down to that Tapas bar”, or maybe “Get On, as in Get along, over some Tapas”, or is it “Get on Top, Ass”? If we weigh in with the guy, we see the answer is clear: “because it’s a tapas bar. Tapas. Get on Tapas. Tapas bar.” OHHHHHHHH, NOW I GET IT, said everyone in the cinema.

I’m joking, I’m joking, that cinema was empty when this film was on.

Oh great, you made your sign in Comic Sans. That SCREAMS "good restaurant".
Oh great, you made your sign in Comic Sans. That SCREAMS “good restaurant”.

With such a dynamic couple as this, what could go wrong? Nothing, apparently. It’s all very bland. They go to an art show to do something quirky and tick boxes alongside the movie producers’ requirements and make the standard issue joke of “hey, art is so weird, hahaha!” I guess that is true sometimes, haha. Then they see another craaaazy canvas! That’s…repetitive…They make it another three times. The same lame joke, five times. F*cking hell.

The film wraps up neatly enough: everyone makes the shock epiphany that proper relationships last longer than five dates, and our protagonists discover the sky is blue. Booooo.

Snog/Marry/Avoid: Snog, but only to end this awkwardly long pause in the conversation.