The title is presumably what the director said when everyone around him was going, “Why are you still making this train wreck of a movie? A bet? Paying off student loans? I don’t get it, why, damnit, whyy?!”

“Because I said so!”

For those of you fortunate enough not to have sat through the entire running time, Diane Keaton plays a pushy mum hoping to sort out daughter Mandy Moore’s life. Yes, even before Tangled, poor Moore has always been controlled by an old woman desperately clinging to her lost youth. Sure, we’ve all had the odd disagreement with our parents as to how to live our lives, but at the end of the day they offer some valuable contribution and experience. Not in the case of this film, which takes place in a universe where all people over the age of 50 are inexplicably simpletons.

Keaton decides that despite her own lack of a stable long-term marriage, she’s going to set Moore up- via online dating sites! What she finds instead is porn. I don’t know about you guys, but in the entirety of my time as a person who owns a computer, I’ve only ever spotted a porn pop-up ad once. One time, since 2003. Instead of closing the window, she promptly falls over, proving that old people are literally incapable of anything once technology’s been thrown into the mix.

It made me kind of sad, because there’s an award-winning actress- Annie Hall, for pete’s sake!- falling over a computer because she can’t understand websites. Did you need the money that badly, Diane? And it’s all for naught anyway because Moore has found the epitome of sweet guys: a man who teaches guitar to children and has a kinda lopsided grin but to an acceptable degree where he’s still allowed in low-budget Hollywood.

Of course, the main plot doesn’t really matter, because it’s all about the hot mess that is Keaton- apparently a loveless woman. How do we know this? Oh, only because she’s always desperately pretending she’s Carrie from freaking Sex and the City. She’s always barging in on her daughters’ trips to the spa, insisting they sing with her at birthday parties, and the worst- I can’t bring myself to say it. There are sex talks in this film, where she’s the one asking all the questions. You notice how I said “sex talks” there, plural? YEAH UH HUH YEP HAPPENS MORE THAN ONCE YEP.

This is the correct reaction, good job Mandy.
This is the correct reaction, good job Mandy.

God knows what possesses the daughters to actually reply and tell their mum what an orgasm is like (????) or how many times a week is the regular amount of times to have sex. It’s clear, however, that a lack of shame is hereditary, because they call sex ‘the oompa-loompas’. I am speechless. That’s- there’s no way you can make that sexy. That’s not a healthy sounding thing to say. That’s out of a Roald Dahl book. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO QUOTE WHEN YOU TELL YOUR MUM HOW FREAKING LOUD YOU WERE LAST NIGHT. WHY ARE YOU HAVING THIS CONVERSATION? HAVE THE WRITERS NEVER HEARD HUMANS?

Do me a favour, and do not watch this. You will feel like Rapunzel herself, trapped in the Tangled tower, or like Annie Hall, trapped in the body of somebody who can really do better. For shame, Diane.

Mum Rating: Ohmygod you’re so embarassing right now he’s just my friend leave me alone you don’t know my life! (1 star)

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