It’s just common courtesy that in a Tyler Perry film named The Single Moms Club, Perry would be playing one of the single moms. Now I get that his shock twist performance as a man in Gone Girl was amazing, but Perry seems to have hung up the boobs for good and I’m not happy about this. I sat down to see a crap film about single moms which was written, directed, and produced by Perry- not seeing him flailing about as an overweight woman who can also rap is like turning up to the pantomime to find the dame replaced by a man in a suit.

But don’t worry, dear crap-seekers, there’s still plenty in this bundle of joy. Our story revolves around five single moms (who saw that coming?) on their way to a parents’ meeting at school. Despite half of them having never met, all of their children are bosom buddies- bosom buddies who smoke!!!1!!11!!11! The headmistress tells them that normally the penalty for smoking on school grounds is expulsion (I should’ve expected as much from the American Academy of Draconian Punishment), but this time the moms are being given detention in the form of organising the school dance. The moms respond in a perfectly mature way- they say the headmistress needs to get laid, and then all get drunk on one of the moms’ verandas.

All of the moms have clear characteristics, like a 90s girlband: there’s Uptight Business Mom (kinda racist), there’s Sexy Dating Mom, Absolutely Useless Mom (who by the way has three children but still has no idea what she’s doing), Financially Unstable but Strong as Hell Mom, and Baby Spice Relatable Mom. Despite having such different backgrounds (I get it Tyler, it’s a broad spectrum), they all bond over nights out and worries about periods (with Uptight Mom relating that she thought it was a demon’s curse when she got her period. I discounted her for the rest of the film). The only downside to this is that they’re never actually spending any time with their wayward kids. Let’s ignore the fact that there seems to be a correlation here between broken homes and rebellious behaviour and just look at how only about fifteen minutes of this film is mom/child chat. Join the dots, single moms club!

What kids? Nah, we only have wine. This is Single Wine Club.
What kids? Nah, we only have wine. This is Single Wine Club.

Then again, they are pretty dumb because they agree to leave the kids with Useless Mom for one night. Come on, guys, she’s clearly going to lose one of them! She totally does as well- even better is when all of the moms go on a search party for the missing child, leaving all of the other kids with Useless Mom’s love interest, a contractor we’ve talked to twice. Moms please! This is the guy who says “I can pound” and “I can fit it into a tight space” with barely any veil of innuendo! (Though that is a fantastic scene. And foul. They’re DTF, I get it.)

Amongst poor emotional content (“I don’t hate you, I just don’t know you”), and the lamest prom ever, Perry has mastered the art of crap films. One thing however means The Single Moms Club misses out on the coveted three stars: no drag. Close, but no cigar.

Embarrassing Mom Rating: Aww mom, that’s so nice of you to get me a gift, what’s insi- oh God. A vibrator? Mom! (2 and a half stars)