Lynette is a really solid mum. She works hard, she’s raised three kids who consistently think she’s the bomb (which we know when one of them says, “Mom, you’re still the bomb”)- you’d think the least she’d get is a weekend to relax. Unfortunately for Lynette, her two eldest kids are dicks.

Adam and Chelsea definitely aren’t “the bomb”.  Adam’s a vampire-obsessive who thinks he can smooth talk every adult going- which I get some ten year olds do on Disney channel, but in the real world nobody likes that kid who blatantly reads his report out of a magazine article. Boo, Adam. We’ve also got Chelsea, who… Well, Chelsea’s alright. She does eat ice cream straight out of the tub though, which is a dick move. It’s entering flu season, Chelsea, spare a thought for the prevention of colds. She also has a hideous pink jacket but I too have one of those so I’ll let that slide.

Let's be honest, Chelsea wore it better.
Let’s be honest, Chelsea wore it better but in my defence a lot of my concentration was put into keeping that wig on my head.

After they’re both grounded (Adam for the report fiasco, Chelsea for gloating- somehow they’re equal offences now), they decide the only way to sneak out to the harvest festival is to set Lynette up on a date. Adam seems consistently fine with just pimping out the ladies in his life for personal gain. He wants to see a band at this festival, right? So he willingly signs his mum up for a date with some random who’s batshit to go for a “bite to eat” (if it were 2015, he would’ve followed up with an emoji of some fangs), and bribes a kid to give him his ticket by offering up Chelsea as a date. Who cares if Lynette’s happy on her own and Chelsea has a boyfriend? Sociopath Adam wants to see a band so f*ck ’em!

Lynette’s vampire date is meant to be way suave, which understandably doesn’t happen because it’s a Disney movie and this is about as suave as they get. To be fair, the chemistry is there until their second conversation. They just don’t match! Lynette wants to go dancing, Dimitri wants a concubine- something tells me these guys aren’t going to work it out. Luckily, youngest child and best actor in the film Taylor enlists the help of Van Helsing after he gets his hands on the script/has “kids’ intuition” about Dimitri being a vampire. Y’know, that weird intuition kids and animals get about incredibly obvious character points?

It’s a mixed bag, this. On the one hand, you’ve got Dimitri transforming into a bat, walking up the walls (that thing vampires can do) and really over-egging the yelling towards the end of the film. On the other hand, you’ve got stupid Adam. He’s so the worst. Also, there’s way too little time spent on the Van Helsing and Taylor scenes. The 8 year old and the vampire hunter- they really missed out on an epic buddy cop dynamic, and this I can’t forgive.

Spoopy rating: 2/3 More crappy than creppy.

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