It’s not just America churning out cash-cow movies for TV- Canada’s after a piece of the action too! Packed with Twilight parody and wannabe Zefrons, My Babysitter’s a Vampire! is a real box-ticker for generic teen trends that fell out of popularity about two years before the film was made.

Tiny Faux Zefrons Ethan and Benny love to piss about constantly and are generally lame at high school. Meanwhile, Sarah and Erica are cool in high school- well, they’re cooler, which isn’t hard.  Erica’s a big nerd for this film saga Dusk– I wonder what that’s based on? Interestingly, the acting in Dusk is better than in Twilight so I can understand Erica’s fascination a bit more. Sarah’s been dating a broody pale type who looks not unlike a vampire because he is a vampire. Naturally she’s not so keen on the (probably racist) depiction of vampires in the film, leading to a bust-up between the BFFs in a random dark pathway. Sarah ends up babysitting the Zefrons (hence the title- which Ethan screams at one point! Always a highlight of a film when they say the title), revealing herself as a fledging (and vegetarian) vampire and leading a quest to stop the vampires claiming over 200 souls at a Dusk screening party. Meanwhile, Ethan and Benny see the quest as an opportunity to get with “hotties”- good to see they’ve got their priorities sorted.

It’s a pretty nice if not generic premise and the plot unfolds neatly- although it’s not really resolved because they wanted to make a TV series as well. Bit unnerving how casually horrible Sarah’s ex is- he’s rude, broody and throws her over a building!!?!?!?!!11!?! She’s a vampire so she recovers from it nicely with some mad parkour but it’s still like dude! Evil much? Also, Erica is the worst. She’s Sarah’s best friend right up until they differ on a film and then she dumps her! Who severs a close bond over a freaking film? I mean, yeah, if the film is some KKK propaganda or something you would maybe burn that bridge (definitely preferable to staying their friend and burning a cross) but we’re chatting teen romance here. Erica then goes back on her word not to get off with one of the vampires (“I won’t give in to peer pressure”- then emerges with bite marks and she’s all like “yeaaah bitches I’m a vampire now”) and urgh she’s just the worst. I was rooting for you Erica, we were all rooting for you!

I know, Tyra, I know.
I know, Tyra, I know.

Bafflingly, Ethan and Benny aren’t the most uncool characters in the film. I know, you’ll see Benny and be like “no way Louise” but I shit you not. That title goes to their pal Rory, who goes around spouting crap like “this party is bank!” and trying to make “WAZZAAP” a thing in 2011. For shame, Rory. When he turns into a vampire he starts boasting that he’s “a big V” and it’s painful.

Oh, and Benny’s grandma is a witch. She throws that in there, real casual. Benny is also a witch, and Ethan’s a great seer. Feels like they’re being thrown a bone after Rory gained more popularity than them.

Spoopy Rating: 1/3 I ain’t afraid of no spoop.

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