Some of you might think this is a sequel to Dracula 2000. I did wonder, until Wikipedia hastened to tell me that they were in no way affiliated, as if Dracula 2000 was embarrassed about being asked. And judging by how much of a flop Dracula 2000 was (17% on Rotten Tomatoes), I went in for this film with extremely high hopes. You’d better deliver, Daniel Roodt- least of all because you wrote, directed and produced this.

Dracula 3000 opens like a cross between a low rent sci-fi series and a character selection menu on a video game, as captain Abraham Van Helsing (subtle) introduces his crew with their overriding characteristic- as they’re only allowed one. Where’s this the most painfully obvious? With the two black characters, of course! Listening to 187 and Humvee talk it’s so hilariously clear a white man wrote the script. Humvee calls everyone either “daddio” or “lil’ girl”, and 187 is addicted to weed. Woohoo, stereotypes! I don’t think two sentences go by without either of them clarifying that they are indeed black.

Van Helsing and crew are investigating an abandoned ship left floating in space, or as he more elegantly puts it, “there are a lot of floaters in this system”. I’m guessing that by the year 3000 poo slang has fallen out of favour- oh yeah, there’s a lot of people chatting about how the future’s different. Religion was banned 20 years prior, so nobody knows what a crucifix is when they find one with a skeleton- so have history lessons, art and literature all been banned too? Or are these guys just exceptionally dumb? First mate Aurora (who likes to play by the book, but apparently “looking like that isn’t going to help her cause”. I’ve brought this up several times with people now and we’re all equally confused as to what this means.) asks who God is, to which Van Helsing replies, “nobody”. Oooh, drama.

Interns still exist, but instead of being 17 they’re easily in their 30s/they had a cast member drop out for Mina. I’m tempted to think the latter because the character just vanishes halfway through the film. You’d think she’d become a vampire, but nope, she’s just hanging out elsewhere or something. Nobody bothers to look for her, but then again she was both a redundant character and a pretty poor actor so.

Coolio surprises everyone by being the best actor in the film- he can show two character traits which is one more than required for the film and therefore seems like an Oscar-worthy performance next to all those planks (because they are so wooden). He gets some laughable vampire action sequences, although none of those deliver a shock as much as Van Helsing casually mentioning that Aurora’s a robot.

Give that man an Oscar.
Give that man an Oscar. (I mean, really don’t)

I feel like I should point out, Dracula has turned up by this point. He’s bland as hell though. What I really like is that they figure out that a stake to the chest is the way to kill vampires, and then they’re like “nah, f*ck it” and blow up the ship. Credits roll, I wonder what the hell I just spent precious time watching.

Spoopy Rating: 2/3 you had me until the ship blew up.