I don’t know why this film is called Never Cry Werewolf, because the protagonist Loren cries werewolf non-stop and to be honest I think that’s what keeps her more alive than everyone who doesn’t cry werewolf. I don’t care if he could rip your throat out, communication is key y’know?

The plot of this film is nigh-on identical to the plot of Fright Night: teen Loren suspects her new neighbour Jarrett of being a werewolf, which he totally is so props to her, very astute. I’m willing to accept that werewolves aren’t too baffling or ridiculous in this world (Loren’s on it straight away- “he’s got hairy palms. It all adds up”. I mean, does it all add up? You’ve got one point to go on) but I do find it inconceivable that every woman’s losing their shit about how attractive Jarrett is. It’s really hard to get behind. Sorry Peter Stebbings.

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You see what I mean though, yeah? He’s no oil painting.

The laughs come early on in this film- Loren’s ancient computer in 2008 which she uses in a research montage (with accompanying rock music?), Jarrett being able to read from a great distance to see a badge obscured by someone’s hair, Jarrett opening the window to make sure Loren and her friend Angie know he’s watching- cos y’know, you can’t see through the window already. Ah man, there are some excellent blunders in here. Loren’s brother gets kidnapped by Jarrett and when she rescues him he’s all “oh you idiot!”. He’s such an ungrateful shit! Unless he was saying, you idiot Loren for not wearing enough layers, because she’s only wearing a bra under her jacket. Layers, Loren! Jarrett possesses her at one point (because she looks like his dead girlfriend so he’s “defending his female” by getting really creepy on this teenager) and then Loren’s all “you monster I’ll get you” but doesn’t get up off the chair or anything. She’s not tied down, she’s just wasting valuable werewolf slaying time.

That said, the characters are actually pretty likable- I know, I’m surprised too but this hunk of junk kinda got me hooked! Loren’s best friend Angie’s a bit of a pain until she starts making out in a car with her boyfriend and you just know she hasn’t got long. I was yelling at the screen when she ran from the car instead of driving home, poor idiot. There’s also Loren’s love interest, a chicken delivery boy called Steve. Poor Chicken Steve gets turned into a werewolf hybrid thing and I’ll be honest he looks bloody awful but it’s nice that he keeps the red streak in his hair. Stay true to your style and that. The only characters who aren’t too sympathetic are Loren and her family. I’ve mentioned her brother- and their mum’s fine with leaving them home alone amidst all the murders happening in town. Then again, Loren has the most nonchalant response to finding out her best friend is dead, maybe it runs in the family.

There’s a lot going for this film: terrible fake blood and gore (to quote Morticia Addams, “how I laughed”), hilariously gross CGI when Jarrett’s dog sheds its skin and becomes a wolf the colour of Pepto Bismol. They poke the dead werewolf with a stick. It’s all there: it takes a while to get into the plot and the schlock, but once you’re there it’s pretty fun actually!

Spoopy Rating: 3/3 It’s 2Spoopy5Me.

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