Now I’m a bright kid: if I’m watching a seasonal film and I see an older guy with a big white beard and a jolly disposition, I’ve twigged who he is. Still, Bradshaw was very kind to consider idiots watching and had to include a woman saying “I love you, Mr Santa Claus”-whaaat? He was Santa? That is a turn up for the books!- so we’re all on board with the plot.

Santa’s just chilling at the Empire State Building with the missus, but skip forward fifty years (?) and we see a very sad couple breaking up. What has the world come to? People getting a divorce, zooming in on photos powerpoint-style instead of filming an actual establishing shot- it’s all gone to shit and it’s up to Mrs Becca Claus to find Christmas cheer again. Why Becca decides to go to New York to find this cheer is beyond me- jeez lady, rent Enchanted some time- but she just so happens upon the broken family we saw at the beginning. What are the odds??

If there’s one thing Christmas movies latch onto, it’s that cheery topic of divorce. Divorce according to films always involves two people who don’t actually want to get divorced looking sad whilst a douchebag dates the kindof single woman and the kindof single man hires a random stranger as a nanny for their kids. The kids in question are Bailey, the token moody teen who spends all day on her computer (which is perpetually only open on desktop background. Just wait til Bailey realises she can access the internet on that thing), and Travis who is delightfully sassy but mainly just a bit needy. I would’ve preferred sassy Travis.

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I wish you’d had something bitchy to say in this scene, Travis.

Becca takes it upon herself to fix the family- even though her marriage ain’t so peachy. Santa doesn’t realise his wife isn’t in the country for like three days- and when he does find out he delivers the worst acting in the film, spluttering “Becca, is in…New York??” He also sends Sparky, the terrifying man-elf after her. I don’t know what it is about him, he just creeps me out. I think it’s his very old looking face in a Christmas outfit for a 9 year old- something I’ll never get about elf costumes in film. How come kid elves are always dressed up super cool like in The Santa Clause but the adult elves are demeaned in jingle bell pointy shoes? I digress.

This film would be heartwarming and cute if it weren’t for Becca’s meddling. It’s…kinda creepy, to be honest. She’s always grinning for no reason and she says “nobody can resist my cooking” so many times you wonder whether she’s secretly poisoning the kids and boasting about it like a cartoon villain. Also, the entire love thing is solved with snowglobes-it’s a macguffin that comes out of nowhere! What about the mistletoe? The mistletoe from the TITLE, doesn’t that save the day? No? This movie doesn’t have faith in itself, but at least snowglobe vendors are going to have a profitable Christmas.

Rating: Ho Ho/Ho Ho Ho.

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