Full disclosure, I started watching Christmas films way early this year. October was probably a bit too keen, but I’m just glad I saw A Very Cool Christmas at the earliest possible convenience. It’s really something, gang.

Lindsay’s just living in a material world and she is a material girl, no big. She wants to go ski-ing with her school friends but her lame parents want her to spend the holiday with her family? Like ew, am I right teens? Even though she gives a thorough business presentation she isn’t able to get to the slopes with her token “hottie” love interest (read: twenty-three year old posing as a fifteen year old with sweepy hair). However, Lindsay’s also got a heart of gold as well as being way selfish and decides to give Santa a makeover. That’s sweet of her: even though she won’t be having her ideal Christmas, she will be helping Father Christmas get laid.

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“Like, OMG, teen speak teen speak.”

When my friends and I saw the DVD cover, we wondered who this random tanned man was, grinning maniacally whilst his pupils dart off in opposite directions. It’s totally Santa y’all. To get to this terrifying state he has no less than three makeover montages. There’s Lindsay’s fitness regime (go from “ew” to “awesome” in two weeks!), trying on suits, and having his beard shaved off by a man whose aesthetic can be easily described as “gay Hispanic Christopher Eccleston”. I mean, the entire film’s pretty camp but he really steps it up a notch. Once he’s been on screen you won’t be able to hear the chimneys referred to as “dark dirty chute”s without smirking.

Lindsay, God bless her, is actually sometimes likeable. She has no idea of how geography works but she does use an opportunity with Santa to visit her crush’s house in the middle of the night and pad around his kitchen feverishly. She’s just like the average teen. Her idea of a nightmare is receiving “last year’s jeans” which is actually, I’m loath to admit, a really well-pitched joke.

True, there are some ridiculously pointless segments to this film- like the mall cop. God, when will people learn? Paul Blart didn’t make it funny, mall cops just aren’t that bottomless pit of humour America thinks they are. He’s a pain in the arse, as we can see when he calls himself “the Chuck wagon” but luckily the film has no faith in him either so we don’t have to sit through many scenes with him in. There’s also this random bit where Santa pulls a Pretty Woman on some snotty clotheswear clerks who were mean to him when he had a beard. It’s so unrelated to anything else but it is nice to see that just as Santa has taught Lindsay the value of kindness, so she’s taught him the value of being occasionally a bitch for personal gain.

This film’s a gift that keeps on giving. The day after watching this, I was told that there’s actually a nigh-on identical version of this film called Too Cool for Christmas (which suddenly explained the theme song of the same name which played throughout the film) but instead of a mum, Lindsay just has two dads. Gay parents in a Christmas film, and it has no bearing whatsoever on Lindsay and her sister/the film in general! If that isn’t appealing to all audiences, I don’t know what is.

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She’s equally happy with two dads, and Santa’s equally scary.

Rating: Ho Ho Ho/Ho Ho Ho.

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