“Bad news, everyone. The well is drying up. A Dad for Christmas, A Mom for Christmas, A Grandpa for Christmas– we’ve exhausted the formula but we have all these annoying child actors to employ and these stock footage of cheap Christmas rides to use! What are we going to do?”

“…Hang on, I have the solution.”

This is what I’d like to imagine the boardroom meeting was like when the producers came up with A Nanny for Christmas. This film opens with an impressively long credits sequence using up all the stock footage they have out back, then WHAM! straight into the conflict for protagonist Ally. It’s bad enough she’s the only woman in the boardroom (my feminist agenda senses were tingling), she gets fired like ten minutes into a sales pitch! To be fair, she didn’t know the businessman (some chocolatier cowboy)’s secret that was he jilted at the altar, something he doesn’t share until somebody mentions a wedding and he goes off on one. Jeez Lweez! However, crappy film aficionados will be pleased to hear the chocolatier cowboy is being played by Dean Cain, the George Clooney of TV film.  He’s too good for these bad films, somebody stick him in a soap.

Due to piss-poor communication at a job interview, Ally’s hired by an ad executive- as a nanny. Cue a pair of kids who talk like they’re fifty and reminisce about their parents playing with them. The parents now both work full-time, which in seasonal movie terms is as good as dead. Ally teaches them the joy of throwing their mother’s rules out of the window and pissing around pretending that practising Shakespeare is the same as trashing their house. Those poor kids though, they’re presented with pancakes and they can’t eat them for shit. They haven’t lived.

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You can tell by these pained smiles.

Ally’s a real peach: on top of disobeying her boss, she lies for careers and for love. Also, her flirting is terrible: she agrees to help her love interest find a Christmas tree with the classic “it’s a date- or a tree” manoeuvre. I find it hard to believe she had a job in advertising with lines like that.

Of course when it goes to pot we’re treated to a sad montage remembering all the times she had with love interest. Interestingly I think this is the only film I’ve seen where the montage is as long as the screen time the couple actually had in the first place. Hard to miss something you half cared about, right? If only Ally had listened to her Token Best Friend, a woman who constantly questions Ally’s actions throughout the film. I’m with Token Best Friend here actually, Ally does make dumb decisions, although popping up unannounced in your friend’s apartment to question her life choices is maybe over-egging it.

It’s a run of the mill rom-com really, nothing to write home about. Everybody forgives Ally for her constant untruths cos she says she’s sorry. Can we really believe her apology? Oh look over here, there’s a puppy in a box, everything’s solved.

Rating: Ho Ho/Ho Ho Ho.

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