The people who live with me are more than used to the fact that I’ll be sat in the living room at some point in the day, notepad at side and mince pie in gob watching a bad Christmas film. Most of the time I don’t get a viewing buddy because the films are too generic. The Santa Incident earned me two viewing buddies, because this is a film about Santa being gunned down by American air forces.

Nothing says Christmas quite like two kids finding an unconscious Santa lying on a cargo track. They think he’s homeless and poke him with a stick. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… Santa is in hospital now, being cared for by the nurse who’s also the children’s mum. She’s a bit taken aback by the revelation that he’s Santa but then he says “I never intention [sic] to lie” and boy is that madman’s statement reassuring.

Meanwhile, the eldest child from earlier (the one who didn’t poke the unconscious man with a stick) is super angsty and spends his time cultivating the warehouse shrine to his absent father. Is he dead? Did he walk out? We don’t find out for a good hour- I’ll leave that mystery to you. It’s clearly affected the boy who now only plays sword fighting with graffitied people, not real people. His perception of reality’s way off. He’s just hitting a wall.

Meanwhile, CIA agents (or some fake equivalent thereof) are chasing Santa because- and stick with me here- they think he’s an alien. This plot takes up way too much of the film for what is essentially a neurotic man and an idiot sidekick over-analysing photos of Santa with large amounts of manganese. Yawn.

MEANWHILE (shit me) there’s a tough talkin’ airforce guy trying to find Santa so he can apologise for shooting him- somebody wants to make sure he’s back on the nice list. He meets and teams up with a bunch of tough talkin’ twelve year olds elves and a Robosapien (who by the way is an actual character with lines of dialogue, the first job Robosapien’s had since 2006) who are all trying to recover Santa. They sneak around a bit whilst my attention span wanes.

The edgy twelve year olds and Robosapien </3

MEANWHILE (Holy WOW another plotline), the mum/nurse from earlier- remember that barely significant character?-might get together with a cop who was her high school sweetheart? Surely with four other plots, they could’ve given this one a miss. Literally nobody cares about this maybe romance. Was the film written by a particularly stubborn writers circle and this is why we’re here now with so many different storylines I don’t have time for?

Admittedly, there’s one really emotionally potent segment of the film before it all ties up neatly in time for Christmas Eve. A character dies. Yes, ROBOSAPIEN- who already escaped death when he fell from the sleigh and lived to tell the tale- Robosapien gives his life so the twelve year olds elves can save Santa. We all cried out against the injustice of it, but inside we were crying out against the injustice of this script being picked up whilst we, a flat of writers, remain unpaid for our work.

That’s just a tiny hint for another potential editors maybe whatever that’s cool.

Rating: Ho/Ho Ho Ho.