Be My Valentine (2013, dir. Graeme Campbell)

A few pebbles hit your windowsill. I wait on your front lawn until you open the window and look down.

“What are you doing? It’s quarter past midnight on the 15th February, it’s not Valentine’s any more!”

“But I have so many bad films!” I hold up some cheap DVD cases. “And with these, it’s Valentine’s any day of the year.”

Alright guys, hands up who didn’t know about Billy Baldwin. Please tell me it wasn’t just me who didn’t know about him. I imagine it’s hard to be noticed as one of the Baldwins when you haven’t gotten into some public scandal or other, and he’s actually not a terrible actor as far as this genre’s concerned. I’d place him on a parallel with Dean Cain (better than The Dog Who Saved Every Holiday Ever, but probs more cringeworthy parenting than Defending Santa).

Billy plays a widowed fireman who manages to find love and care for his son (who is thirteen with the inherited mid-life crisis hairdo which seems to be meant for the widowed character). Who knew firefighting was such a good way to meet people? Call 999 for a hunk of burning love, amIright? (I mean, really don’t do that. Ever.)

Baldwin meets a florist whose business explodes but is completely unharmed but has to be closed anyway for a fortnight (? I didn’t write this script, more’s the pity), giving her them plenty of time to make a rom-com connection. Why the hell not? Their friends are both pressuring them to move on from exes/dead wives and this florist does have a freaky knack for replacing any affection for men in her life with purchases of ice cream.

Final Photo Assets
“I’ll have the Ben and Jerry’s with- oh hang on, this is an auction on men. Got them confused again.”

They pootle along blandly enough, but my main attention/source of frustration goes to the aforementioned mulleted son. After a down-with-the-kids “yoof talk” conversation with a girl at the fire station- “Have you played it on the Cloud?” “I’m so gonna hook into that”- he decides to make a move. How does he get her affection, I hear you ask? Not by talking about shared interests, he instead stalks her around the mall. Whadda gent! He draws the line at Facebook friendship though, “that’d just be stalking her”. Of course.

If you like teenage boys sending elaborate “marry me”-esque Valentine’s and romantic slogans about checking your fire alarms, this is the film for you (but also rethink your film requirements). There’s the florist’s weird ex as well, who seems to think a six month separation is cause for not one but two super embarrassing proposal attempts. Are any of these men keepers? Really no. Baldwin’s alright I guess.

Snog, Marry, Avoid: Snog, but make sure you check for creeper teens in the decorative shrubs at the mall. 




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