There’s a real trend for remakes these days, but rarely remakes of 70s horror films with 22% ratings on Rotten Tomatoes. Nevertheless, director Brian Brough’s not one to be held back by minor details like a bad premise and a low budget- so it’s not going to stop me from watching it. The pursuit of terrible TV film is restless.

So yeah I’ll be honest I got super tired super quickly watching Snowbeast.

Don’t get me wrong, titular character Snowbeast is a hoot, a marvelous tall man in a fuzzy onesie and Poundland mask who runs about hugging people to death on a ski resort. For a horror film, the gore is kept to a real minimum. A lot less mauling, a lot more smearing of jam on windscreens. There’s a shot inside the main character’s chalet in one scene where some pasta goes down a sink, probably more gross than any of the deaths in the entire film.

If only we had more Snowbeast though. Instead we’re saddled with some generic sulky teen and her generic scholarly sarcastic dad. I forget what he’s meant to be researching (snow?) but it requires three people with five computers in a chalet. Sulky teen has to come with because she’s been expelled. Now this is very important, why else would you talk in circles about it for the first ten, fifteen, forty minutes of the film?

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Everyone’s reaction to that trip down Plotpoint Lane. Like urgh she’s expelled we get it

Chalet Computer Gang take waaaay too long to clock that all the Snowbeast-esque killings and big hulking furry man might be connected to Snowbeast, during which time you’re totally forgiven for losing your patience. I think at this point I was eating some porridge or something. Call it a rule of thumb, I’d like to think films are meant to be more interesting than porridge but Snowbeast finds a way to break the mould.

Save for the odd gaffe (note how the dad uses the same tone with his daughter as he does with his girlfriend), there’s nothing to Snowbeast that requires your watching it past the first half an hour. He’s got a big ice lair like Superman but unlike Superman he can’t fly so what is the point. I think the dad might have died at the end.

Spoopy Rating: 1/3 I am not afraid of any of the ghosts

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