I get that when you assign yourself- let’s be honest, too many- crap films every year to watch, a good handful of them will legitimately be very crap films. Normally you spot them a mile off. Not so with Sicilian Vampire, though. Come on, a name like Sicilian Vampire? There are bound to be top quality mafia inspired vampiric hijinks!

No? No vampiric hijinks?

Maybe “Sicilian Vampire” is a phrase I’ve never come across. It’s what people say when they mean “no f*cking vampires”.

In a world of tedious mafia luncheons, footage of guys pissing and crossword clues like “rectal part (8)”, I think we could all do with a vampire character to inject some fun (and his teeth) into the story and break up the monotony. Sidenote: how boring must your film be that strip clubs and shoot-outs seem monotonous? I mean bloody hell, except not bloody hell because there are no vampires.

There are however several renditions of the song ‘Just a Gigolo’. One is sung well. It’s the main character, up on stage at some club he attends with his mistress (that took me a while to figure out, because all these women and mobsters look the same)- he looks confused throughout as to why he’s there. I too am confused about why he isn’t biting people and BEING A VAMPIRE.

Sicilian Vampire film still. (In Your Ear Productions)
Check out these pissy excuses for fangs.

I can’t count the amount of times I thought (naively, apparently) that a vampire might appear in Sicilian Vampire. Main guy gets bitten by a bat, he’s fine. His folklore scholar friend who’s also a physician (how convenient) does some tests on his blood, he’s fine. He gets shot in the head, he’s fine- because he IS a vampire after all! This is where the good stuff happens.

Except it doesn’t. Instead he see this vampire ripping off limbs, heads, the occasional pair of testicles (right after he’s joked about his victim not having the balls to kill him). The one saving grace of this scene (and the film overall) is when he finds a mobster who’s just tried to shoot him:

“I thought we killed you.”

“No,” (tears his head off) “I killed you.”

This film is very dark. Not in the theming, just literally very dimly lit. Probably so we wouldn’t see how much of a vampire-less lie the film is.

Spoopy Rating: 1/3 I am not afraid of any of the ghosts.

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