Welcome to the small port town of Smallport (no you’re right, don’t strain yourself coming up with town names), a place haunted by ghostly sharks and teenagers who do not know how to react to death.

Luckily I’ve seen Ghost Shark‘s spiritual predecessor, Jaws, so I knew what to expect- right up until ghost shark gets shot and then revived by…voodoo…?

Of course, that’s not our focus right now- instead Ghost Shark is all about those #VapidTeens!!!1!!1!#squadgoals!!#jailbait!!1?! They’re just a regular bunch of sex-crazed teens at the beach, teasing each other and trying to f*ck a jetski (well you tell me what you hear when one character says “will you let me pop the cherry on this jetski?”). It’s all fun and games until our protagonist sisters (Sicily- no, I checked, I thought they were all saying Cecily wrong as well- and um…let’s call the other one Jill) find out their dad is dead- or he spilled Ribena all over his cap and then vanished. Either way, sad. One of their friends also gets horrifically killed while on the jetski when a Ghost Shark savages her. Still, no time for mourning- the hashtag vapid teens have a pool party to go to!

“It’s what she would’ve wanted, for us to party on”

Sicily and Jill are the only two who think it’s distasteful/inappropriate/not on trend with their mood to go to the party so they stay home. Spoilsports, the mayor’s son said they could change the theme to a memorial so what more do they want? (I’m not kidding about the suggestion of a memorial themed pool party, I really wish I were though.) At the party another kid gets killed by Ghost Shark- probably time to get serious and NOPE the teens are still having fun!

I should explain Ghost Shark’s ability to turn up at the pool party (I can’t explain why these kids are so heartless, they just are). Ghost Shark can travel through any body of water- so naturally he pops up in swimming pools, baths, slip n’ slide, even shark-infused rainfall.

It’s hard not to get behind how ridiculous Ghost Shark is.

I think with that knowledge I would just, yknow, use Wet Ones and drink a lot of juice instead. Apparently that is a silly solution, and instead Jill needs to wade out into this voodoo cave and defeat the spirit of a grump cave man’s murdered wife. Also the grumpy cave murderer is their ally? I mean let’s be honest, everybody’s phoning it in for this film so there’s no justice in having the writers work hard on a plot is there.

I totally loved Ghost Shark though- it makes no sense, none of the Smallport residents are bothered by death (including the victims, I’ve never seen a more relaxed mauling) and there’s even a bunch of hard as nails 8 year olds who refuse to let the groovy sister gang get past them- you know, to save the town. They’re like “nah-uh!” and folding their arms more sassily than Disney Channel’s entire programming schedule. Get your friends over, pop on Ghost Shark, and don’t try to f*ck a jetski.

Spoopy Rating: 3/3 It’s 2spoopy5me!