Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, this time they solve murders.

It’s a less traditional take on the classic fairytale, I’ll give them that. In fact, Syfy’s Beauty and the Beast seems a lot less informed by Disney and a lot more informed by some marketing team wondering how they can reuse those medieval outfits and the lone Oktoberfest wench costume.

So, the story: on his deathbed, the king must decide on an heir after his son disappeared many years ago (OH I WONDER WHERE AND WHO HE COULD BE). Poor king has to keep updating the heirdom as the head of guard keeps bumping off the wouldbe monarchs really obviously. He’s helped by a witch for some reason- oh hang on, I just remembered why. Though…not a good sign, is it, forgetting a plotpoint a mere fortnight after watching the film. I’m gonna brand that a failure for the film and not my longterm film memory.

Meanwhile, bookish outcast Belle is now popular accidental-explosives-brewing Belle, in said wench Halloween garb. To be fair, the explosives brewing is quite cool- though shes presumably always cool because she’s the only person in miniskirts and corsets. I don’t care if I sound totally like somebody’s mum here but put layers on girl, there are poxes and plagues coming out the wazoo in olden times.

The villagers have more to worry about than poxes and plagues, however- the ones who aren’t being dispatched by the head of guard are being dispatched by a werewolf, in mighty theatrical ways. Here’s a cast who really loves hamming it up, and you would with a plot as dull as this. Of course, everyone suspects the hairy recluse in the woods- except for Belle. She just kinda likes the main suspect in her mother’s death (spoilers? I mean, you’re not honestly going to watch this film, are you?).

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“Cos the bad boys, are always catching my eye (oh-whey, oh-woah)”- Alexandra Burke

I can’t say much to praise the film beyond its odd gem- a petrified rat here, a garbled gutteral line there. The word “witchfriend” bandied about like a primary school swearword. Props to the messenger who’s still workshopping delivery on his line: “The king is dead! The king is dead. The king is dead???”

My favourite showstealer of an extra has to be this guy wearing a cone shaped hat. I don’t know what it is but something about the conspicuous hat and his genuine, earnest background acting really grips me. Observe my notes:

  • ‘cone hat guy is top notch’
  • ‘cone guy is back!’
  • ‘you tell ’em, cone guy’
  • ‘cone hat guy was pointing!’
  • ‘cone hat guy TAKES OFF HIS CONE HAT TO WAVE IT AROUND’

If you too are weirdly fascinated by the idea of this cone-hatted guy, then go right ahead. If you’d rather see a less mangled version of a beloved classic, check out A Fairytale Christmas. If not, focus on your distrust of the 2017 remake like you were going to be doing otherwise anyway.

Spoopy Rating: 2/3 for stupid deaths and cone hat guy ❤︎

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