Fun fact: I started watching this film one evening, then rewatched it in full about a week later. Both times I made the same snarky comment in my notes about the extras who weren’t wearing bras (“budget so low can’t afford underwear”). 

You understand my point though. Or two points.

Titanic II‘s a film which opens with landscape shots of a guy oiling himself for far too long before getting bumped off by a sneaky iceberg, so you know you’re onto a winner early on.

Cut to the ship’s launch, via a gravelly old man who I feel is meant to be the protagonist but because he’s at the helm of all the movie science I find it hard to really pay attention to him when you know Titanic II is in the next scene.

My favourite thing about Titanic II is that nobody will stop saying that it’s the Titanic II. More likely they’ll follow it with a fact about the ship’s security- which yknow, weird because the namesake’s hardly famous for its stability. Also do they really need to clarify that they’re all on the Titanic II? Is this a ship full of notoriously forgetful/plain stupid people? Mate, if you do not know what boat you’re on, oh boy.

Oh, that boat. It’s the little ship that couldn’t: literally everything bad that could happen to the Titanic II happens to the Titanic II. It’s capsized, people are evacuated into “deathtrap” lifeboats (what a world) and half of the boat EXPLODES.

Dashing ship owner who’s also writer and director is completely unscathed though. He’s stuffed an axe down his shirt for later and he’s got his love interest by his side. They are however being chased by actively aggressive icebergs which according to the movie science (and the move scientists who brought us Mega Piranha) could tip everybody across the Atlantic. Yes, that does mean a tsunami also hits the Titanic II, well spotted.

It’s really not Amy’s day either. This love interest is meant to be a nurse, yet I can’t help questioning her training when she sees her best friend crushed in a doorway and asks “are you okay?” (spoilers: she really is not).

The electrical sounds are very TARDIS-esque, but unfortunately this time round Kylie Minogue isn’t here to drive a forklift truck into a ravine so she can save the remaining passengers. The closest we get to a hero is the guy who punches the ship owner once evacuation begins (a hilarious display of priorities) and the editing team who just cut the film so suddenly you’ll forget you were meant to be invested.

If you like getting your money’s worth on that one soundbite of people screaming, Titanic II is for you, you weirdo.

Spoopy Rating: 3/3 top spoops abound