Happy Thanksgiving, US readers! It turns out writing a week’s worth of film reviews for the holiday like I did last year really diminishes the limited supply of Thanksgiving films… So scraping the barrel, here’s mid-00s -tastic teen rom-com Everything You Want!
Abby is dating a guy named Si (not as I first thought the South Korean Gangnam Style singer, Psy). He’s perfect on paper because she literally drew him as a little girl and now he’s her live-in imaginary boyfriend. A quick reminder: Abby is at university, so older than 18, so… this is really bad, yes? That’s not just me who think so? That’s messed up. Abby knows she can date real men?
Good news: there’s a dickhead in Abby’s art class who doesn’t appreciate this subject which she has a natural affinity and love for. Sounds to me like they’ll be perfect love interests- to be fair, Quinn (there is no regular name for any man in this film) is real which is a definite improvement on Si. Abby gives Quinn some art tutelage, which means lots of pointless scenes in arty locations accompanied by a range of Quinn’s loud noughties shirts.
Look at those. For all the shit 2016 has put us through, at least these shirts haven’t made a resurgence.
Thanksgiving barely gets a look in, by the way. Sure, there’s a wager set on Abby trying not to let other people attend her parents’ place for Thanksgiving dinner (presumably then because they’ll see how eccentrically neglected Abby was as a child. Gee are her parents wacky in a damaging way) but the film’s main aim is to cash in on the teen movie tropes. We’ve got: quiet arty protagonist, a good guy twist (Quinn lends some money to a friend= TOP BLOKE) and a pointless stoner friend.
Oh how little patience I have some Quinn’s stoner friend Cal. He has three traits which are being Canadian, smoking weed and not wearing pants. That’s also where all of the jokes are too. We barely need his asides, let alone a scene opening with him taking a dump. I wish that wasn’t true.
There was a legit joke sneaked in somewhere but it’s a needle in a haystack. One last thing: Si is Abby’s dream guy, right? In Abby’s wildest dreams, she can take her pick of anyone in the world. Si is…how do I put this? Considering all the oil paintings she hangs out with, he’s no oil painting. Does Abby have poor taste, or a poor imagination? We see from the film he has a terrible personality, so which is it?
Bonus point for the line “the meat is frozen to his head!”
Rating: Ho Ho/Ho Ho Ho.