“If snowflakes were wishes, every kiss would make my dreams come true”. Ahh, the confusing crooning of Bichael Muble at Christmastime. Get used to those nonsense lyrics, it is the only licensed song in A Royal Christmas.

Lacey Chabert is a fashion designer who has career support from her parents, carries a plate of food around with her and is dating a Tom Hiddleston type. She’s basically living the dream. By the end of the film she’s a princess as well- this is genuinely the best fortune any Hallmark heroine has ever received.

I wasn’t even joking about that food thing.

Oh yeah total spoilers, low rent Hiddleston is a legit prince. Well, a prince of one of those made up tiny countries. He’s Mia Thermopolis, sans diary. Off Lacey and Leo (his name’s Leo) whizz to Neverland to meet the richest of the bitchest, Leo’s mother the Queen. On the scale of charming Brit to evil Brit, this film has all two bases covered.

The Queen lives in Cordonia’s palace, sneering at her tacky gold-plated lions and the fact that her tea is clearly water. To be fair, with all these continuity errors it’d be very hard not to be a big bitch about everything.

Prepare yourselves for montages about having royal fun, learning how to be posh, and the utterly yawn-some “attempts to get the guards to smile” sequence. They lost me when they yelled “selfie!” next to a guard. That’s the prince there, yelling about selfies. Make him abdicate.

I feel that pain in his eyes.

There are some genuinely heartfelts moments in here, like when Leo says he’s “still Leo from Philly” like he’s Jenny from the block, or when the Queen tells Leo that she never loved his father. My favourite bit is the Queen’s complete 180-turn where she starts wearing cascade cardigans and spouting facts about Benjamin Franklin. A sign of success?

Ah screw it, no amount of smarmy would-be princesses (naming no names NATASHA YOU ROTTER) or characters insisting on the existence of a Count of York (guys. It’s a nursery rhyme. “The grand ol’ duke of”- how do you mess this up.) can stop me from enjoying this turd. Low rent Hiddleston and Chabert can actually act which livens up moments inbetween scenes like Chabert entering an armoury and saying “this isn’t the kitchen!”

Check out Natasha’s crown like she’s already integrated herself into the royal family. BUTT OUT NATASHA

Long reign, shitty film.

Rating: Ho Ho/Ho Ho Ho.