From the assistant director of Bone Alone (not the porno) and The Dog Who Saved EasterThe Dog Who Saved Easter comes An [Insert Here] for Christmas’ first insipid festive cat film of the year, woohoo!

You know when you were little, how you kindof wanted a talking cat like Salem in Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Those dreams are realised in Santa Claws, in the worst way imaginable: through cheap-ass animation! I mean, look at this:

 

Patches, Mittens and Hairball (way to give 2 of your cats nice names and name the other after a thing that cats expel from their body) live in a house devoid of Christmas because 30 years ago Julia’s present was broken by Santa’s violent cat allergy. Anyway, that’s totally scarred Julia who’s banned her son Tommy from celebrating the holiday because “it’s only commercial”. Heathen Julia also wants to get rid of the kittens.

So to recap, a list of the things Julia doesn’t like:

  1. Christmas
  2. Kittens
  3. Joy

Tommy, unfortunately uneducated about Santa’s allergies, donates the kittens to him- so of course Santa promptly sneezes and falls off the roof. Some dudebro reindeer then tell the kittens that they have to fill in for Santa. Of course that is a shit idea and they trash so many homes.

Meanwhile, Julia fails several times over to notice an unconscious Santa slumped in her house. Once he’s awake, his magical powers scare her too much for her to ask why he didn’t just magically repair her present all those years ago. Instead, she waits way too long when Santa’s choking on a peanut cookie before she gets his Epipen.

santa-myaus-scene-3
The strong eyebrow of a woman who nearly let Santa die

You’ll love Santa Claws (or as the graphics suggest, Santa Clapaws) if you enjoy lots of screeching and footage of a man careering on a skateboard before being propelled into a swimming pool. There’s plenty of kitten-based pandering: keep your eyes peeled for the classic meme, “could I get a cheeseburger?”

Ha! It is the laughycats!

I mean, none of this would’ve been an issue if Santa just carried some antihistamines with him and learned to cover his damn mouth when he sneezed. Basic hygiene would’ve saved countless homes from being trashed, and also would’ve saved me from watching this schlocky nightmare. It is on Netflix so watch at your own peril, but the vast majority is just footage of kittens with humans mewing dubbed over the top.

Rating: HoHo/HoHoHo.

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