Oh check it, it’s another film about alternate realities where career driven women find out what it’d be like if they’d married their high school sweetheart! Is the answer ever not “really well, undo the last ten years of career advancement”? Sure isn’t!

A woman I like to call Not Judy Greer (coincidentally, Alicia Witt from Christmas at Santa’s Holiday Help Secret at Cartwright’s) is directing a Christmas film on Christmas Eve. I mean, the Hallmark Channel did release 23 new films this winter but really? Surely they can take a break on this of all days.

Settle in for lots of gormless faces from Witt. Also hey, it’s Christina Milian with two-tone hair.

The focus of the film is this massive snowglobe which is “like Grandma’s old garden”. Is the garden significant, I hear you ask. Nah. Like most tidbits of dialogue, it has nothing to do with anything. NotJudy’s got no concept of life outside of filming, which is a bizarre paradox because she keeps saying how much she loves Christmas. Maybe she means “I love (ruining other people’s) Christmas”, gotcha. No time to question it, she’s knocked down by a snowglobe!

Fans of Scrubs will be pleased to see Turk playing the childhood sweetheart Ted, but then horrified to see him in such a sad situation. Think about it: his wife keeps screaming that nothing is real, to the extent that she’s willing to hurt herself. Meanwhile, he’s looking after two kids and probably organising a pageant (because they always are in these small snowy towns) before they get evicted from their ski-resort cabin, mere days before Christmas. Bloody hell.

On the plus side, “pained lumberjack” is a look that works for Turk.

Once you stop despairing over Ted’s lot you’re left with a boring flick. You could tick off the generic tropes: weird magic expository guide, a pageant to direct (my prediction was right!), kindly old man (“Mr Barnes?” “You know me better than that, call me Old Man Barnes”)…but what a slog. And no Google as well! Are they Amish?

Just when you’re about to lost hope you are handed a platter FULL O’ TWISTS. They are ridiculous. Do they save A Snow Globe Christmas? Hell no, but those last five minutes are bad cinema gold.

Rating: Ho and a half/HoHoHo.