After gems like The National Tree and A Very Cool Christmas, sitting down to this film is a bit underwhelming. There’s a cute dog and a nice orchestral score- bloody hell, you know it’s not that good a bad film when my notes included “nice score”. That’s how dull A Golden Christmas is.

Even Jessica’s son is a big square. “What did you do all day?” he asks excitedly after his mother’s summer holidays as a kid. “Did you go to school?”

I mean, I’m a massive nerd but even I think going to school in summer is a bit much.

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Look he’s wearing space pyjamas and everything, I bet he loves learning too.

Jessica and Michael met as children in the woods one summer. “He was my best friend,” Jessica reminisces. This made me sad- your first best friend at 9? That’s…pretty late. I told you they were all big squares.

Of course they meet all these years later, though they don’t realise they’re one another’s childhood sweethearts because they called each other Han and Leia in the summer of their courtship. Do I need any more examples of how everyone is a big nerd.

They’re brought together by the same dog who was Michael’s pet, all those years ago. Now I’m no scientist but a good couple of decades has passed- both film and dog logic imply that this dog has been dead for 20 yeeeeeears!

And yet, here she is, playing matchmaker and SUDDENLY HAVING PUPPIES WHAT??!?

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You’re gonna need more wine than that, Elise Donovan. (But please drink responsibly this Christmas, folks.)

What a stupid film, though having said that it’s definitely not the most stupid film I’ve watched this festive season. Among all the halls of crap seasonal movies, A Golden Christmas is good but falls too readily to the wayside.

Rating: HoHo/HoHoHo.

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