At first I couldn’t find a director credit at all, then I found two. Like buses aren’t they, directors. You wait for ages and then they bring you a perfect turd film. Or something like that.

Noelle (YEP) lives with Todd, a bad guy because he enjoys material possessions. She’s mapping out her life by following a plan she made when she was little which is super healthy because we all know our 7 year old selves were spot on. Look at me for example: I live with lots of cats and dogs and am a vet poet princess, just like I predicted. Naturally Noelle’s plan includes buying a puppy which she promptly does by strolling into a pet store and picking up the first bundle of fluff she sees.

That’s not a responsible way to go about getting a puppy Noelle but on the other hand OH MY DAYS I WANT THAT PUPPER

Now I know Todd is meant to be super mean and undesirable but let’s recap:

  • Noelle bought a dog without any discussion/floating the idea with the other person who lives there
  • She calls herself the dog’s mommy (you are not a dog Noelle)
  • She takes a beef wellington out of the oven when it still looks underdone, so
  • Oh yeah! and the dog has chewed/scratched/pissed on everything he owns

so you can kindof understand his reaction, I don’t think it’s too far off the mark.

Noelle rebuffs his break-up with “after five years?!” which in her mind must be a magical reversal spell to point out a length of time. Try it some time girls!

Poor Noelle and puppy Buster (so called because “he busts things”- a brilliant drinking game was brought my way by friends who drank every time Buster f*cks something up, if you’re feeling like getting tipsy) are left sleeping in her office. Unfortunately there’s no farce of hiding the dog in the office (despite Noelle’s awful excellent cover-up when Buster barks: “woof woof, hashtag dog life”. I’m not sure what her job is) but instead Noelle’s co-worker/endgame love interest Liam offers to take Buster to a farm 😦 😦

Is that MURDER in his eyes? 

No really, an actual farm. The rest of the film is set in a snow ranch? Log cabin farm? Big house.

What a brilliantly weird family romp this turns into! Liam’s family applaud tree decorating, have a token gay cousin who follows Noelle in a kindof endearing but mainly thirsty way (mad props if you don’t giggle when she mentions “beaver problems” around a campfire later) (I laughed, sorry), and every family member has some bizarre metaphor about relationships to impart. On arguing with his wife, Liam’s grandpa says: “at the end of the day what did it matter who walked mud into the house or set fire to the barn.”

Grandpa no, those things aren’t comparable!

Grandpa in his youth, if he had looked like Tim Allen. Okay I lied, it’s not Grandpa, it is just Tim Allen.

Quality bad songs, the perfect romantic setting for a rebound and a twist surprise fortune that nobody cares about: this is what Christmas movies are all about. Plus if none of that amuses you, Buster is the sweetest lil thing ever and I love him I do yes I do I love that puppy. Watch it, and then buy a puppy without asking your partner (unless it’s been less than 5 years. You can’t get away with everything!)

Rating: HoHoHo/HoHoHo.