Christmas Reunion (2015, dir. Sean Olson)

Nobody cared about this one, did they? I mean, I get it: the plot, bringing two old sweethearts together in their small town to run a cookie competition is SOMEHOW by now rote in the seasonal movie canon. Denise Richards is maybe still riding high off her Bond girl millions and Patrick Muldoon his Boyfriend for Christmas…thousands.

But even so! Could you not at least act like you’re happy to be there?

Denise: [through gritted teeth] I am happy to be here…
To its credit, Christmas Reunion magnificently removes their wooden child actors after five minutes with a “30 Years Later” slide. Supoib. The downside is that the same “30 Years Later” slide kills off the film’s most likable character, cookie connoisseur  Linda.

We’re left instead with her two proteges Amy and Jack, who’ve been instructed to carry on her annual cookie contest (???) in her name. Amy drops everything at her job in New York (I wanna say, ad agency?), whereas Jack has plenty of time to help. He’s retired from the army, which we know because of the following line:

JACK: You know I’ve retired from the army, so maybe it’s time you retired this old coffee pot, Dad!

Denise: Now do you see why I’m barely phoning it in here?

The actual planning and execution of the cookie contest seems to fly by super easily because the excrutiatingly slow-grinding plot is focussed entirely on Amy and Jack’s will-they-won’t-they, which is nearer to did-they-even-in-the-first-place. Like a school with little funding for the science department, there is NO CHEMISTRY HERE.

Yes, yes, they have plenty of conversations about the old days, but reeling off a list of couple-y activities/props (“I forgot we had a table.” “We had everything.”) does not a relationship make.

This is really where your film revolving around a reunited couple dies a death. Also, it looks like it was filmed on a potato.


Hard pass.

Rating: Half a Ho/HoHoHo

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