An [insert here] for Christmas!

While shepherds watched their schlock by night…

The Christmas Shepherd (2014, dir. Terry Ingram)

I hate it when a film preferences dull if competent romance over presposterous dialogue and wooden leads.

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A Boyfriend for Christmas (2004, dir. Kevin Connor)

This has to be one of my all-time favourite bad films, a total pick me up for if you’re feeling bad-crappy and need something good-crappy. How do you know a film is the one? When it opens on teenagers in the ’80s complaining about boys not wanting to have sex, to the soundtrack of the All I Want for Christmas rip-off song, “Santa Bring a Boyfriend to Me”.


Continue reading “A Boyfriend for Christmas (2004, dir. Kevin Connor)”

A Christmas Wedding Date (2002, dir. Fred Olen Ray)

This film was made just 4 years ago, a fact which I can’t get my head around by how hideously grainy the video quality is. The VHS-style technique plus the protagonist’s mum’s hairstyle are very ’80s. Naturally I’m going into this film with very little trust.

Continue reading “A Christmas Wedding Date (2002, dir. Fred Olen Ray)”

The Perfect Holiday (2007, dir. Lance Rivera)

Your classic romance: a single mum, a mall Santa pretending to be a travelling salesman (like that’s cooler?), a rapper ex- and all watched over by mystical Queen Latifah.

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Angel of Christmas (2015, dir. Brian Herzlinger)

I see you, Susan, using that old trick from year nine where you type in a bigger font so it looks like you’ve written more than you have. Classic move.

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A Puppy for Christmas (2016, dir. Justin G Dyck and Myles Milne)

At first I couldn’t find a director credit at all, then I found two. Like buses aren’t they, directors. You wait for ages and then they bring you a perfect turd film. Or something like that.

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Christmas Wedding Baby (2014, dir. Kiara Jones)

No prizes for guessing what this film might entail: three sisters face weddings, babies and apparently Christmas (though blink and you’ll miss that last one).

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The Christmas Spirit (2013, dir. Jack Angelo)

This is another of those films about a woman in a coma who sets out to stop Big Business buying out her small town– how is this now a subgenre I recognise and see regularly in seasonal films? What is it about a horrible car crash and potential loss of business that screams Christmas!!! to Jack Angelo and his pals?

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A Golden Christmas (2009, dir. John Murlowski)

After gems like The National Tree and A Very Cool Christmas, sitting down to this film is a bit underwhelming. There’s a cute dog and a nice orchestral score- bloody hell, you know it’s not that good a bad film when my notes included “nice score”. That’s how dull A Golden Christmas is.

Continue reading “A Golden Christmas (2009, dir. John Murlowski)”

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