An [insert here] for Halloween!

Your go-to for the creepy and the crappy.

Christmas Wedding Baby (2014, dir. Kiara Jones)

No prizes for guessing what this film might entail: three sisters face weddings, babies and apparently Christmas (though blink and you’ll miss that last one).

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The Christmas Spirit (2013, dir. Jack Angelo)

This is another of those films about a woman in a coma who sets out to stop Big Business buying out her small town– how is this now a subgenre I recognise and see regularly in seasonal films? What is it about a horrible car crash and potential loss of business that screams Christmas!!! to Jack Angelo and his pals?

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A Golden Christmas (2009, dir. John Murlowski)

After gems like The National Tree and A Very Cool Christmas, sitting down to this film is a bit underwhelming. There’s a cute dog and a nice orchestral score- bloody hell, you know it’s not that good a bad film when my notes included “nice score”. That’s how dull A Golden Christmas is.

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Christmas Angel (2012, dir. Brian Herzlinger)

In bad Christmas movies there are 3 types of children: adorable mute toddlers who never cry, adorable precocious muffins who will say things that are wise beyond their years and in the case of Christmas Angel, a f*cking judgemental child who needs to mind her damn business.

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A Snow Globe Christmas (2013, dir. Jodi Binstock)

Oh check it, it’s another film about alternate realities where career driven women find out what it’d be like if they’d married their high school sweetheart! Is the answer ever not “really well, undo the last ten years of career advancement”? Sure isn’t!

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Married by Christmas/ The Engagement Clause (2016, dir. Letia Clouston)

Why are so many people in films getting married at Christmas? Is December not a stressful enough month for you without simultaneously planning stocking fillers and salmon fillets? But Katie ignores that blindly as she cried, “clear your calendars for Christmas Eve because you’re going to a Christmas wedding!” What? No! You’ve just told us on Thanksgiving, I got stuff to do in 3 weeks’ time!

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Santa Claws (2014, dir. Glenn Miller)

From the assistant director of Bone Alone (not the porno) and The Dog Who Saved EasterThe Dog Who Saved Easter comes An [Insert Here] for Christmas’ first insipid festive cat film of the year, woohoo!

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Holiday Help (2014, dir. Graeme Campbell)

Talk about an identity crisis- less than a minute into Holiday Help a title screen tells me it’s actually called Santa’s Secret. Make up your minds, lads.

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Merry Kissmas (2015, dir. Michael Feifer)

Merry Kissmas is another in the beloved Christmas movie trope: a chance encounter in a lift (I’ll also accept calling it Love in an Elevator). We have A Christmas Kiss to thank for really introducing this cinematic classic to the mainstream.

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