Nobody cared about this one, did they? I mean, I get it: the plot, bringing two old sweethearts together in their small town to run a cookie competition is SOMEHOW by now rote in the seasonal movie canon. Denise Richards is maybe still riding high off her Bond girl millions and Patrick Muldoon his Boyfriend for Christmas…thousands.
Happy December everyone! Are you sitting comfortably? Ready to read as I dive into a silo of festive crap, searching for a shining turd of a TV film? Then I’ll begin- with Christmas Festival of Ice, directed by Bradley Walsh.
I can describe the premise to The 12 Dogs of Christmas very easily by using the words of a pal on Facebook: “Footloose but with dogs instead of dancing”. Also, it’s set in the Great Depression. “I hope this film gets cheerier,” I said, ten minutes after forgetting the setting.
It’s not often you come across a film that’s written, directed, shot and edited by the same person- even less when that same person casts themselves as a mischievous (and… British?) elf named “CHIPS!”.
EVEN LESS OFTEN when you find out the film was funded on INDIEGOGO because after making several horror movies Chips fancied his hand at a Christmas flick. These are beautiful signs that the DVD that’s fallen into my lap is to be treasured. Do you believe in fate?
It’s a bloody honour to not have to watch this turd of a film: today’s review has been written by Marcus Crabb, a brilliantly hilarious dude and my comedy grandson. You can follow him @MarcusOfCrabbs or his wonderful drag persona Kate Butch @katebutch1 (the latter will lead you down a rabbit hole to Haus of Dench, one of the best drag houses going. ANYWAY, enjoy the review, the review is why we’re here.)
It’s a sad thing when the deliberately bad Christmas film inside the intentionally good Christmas film is better than the intentionally good Christmas film. Such is the case with The Last Christmas Carol, the action thriller that is the centre piece of A Star For Christmas, during which I genuinely threw up in my mouth.
I wanted so much from this film and instead I am an empty husk. Welcome to The Three Dogateers Save Christmas!
Are you ready for the same story you’ve heard a billion times before? Then I’ll begin.
This is a story that on face value you’d equate with the Charles Dickens classic but I disagree. The original Dickens Carol is a ghost story which leads to the transformation of an old miser. A Christmas Carol: The Musical starts with me channel-hopping, saying “is that Jane Krakowski?” and going wild from there.
It’s that time of the year again: 31 films from the best to the worst of bad Christmas movies on offer, and 24 sleeps until Christmas! Except I wrote this post with 49 sleeps til Christmas because this is my fourth year of lovingly reviewing crap and I don’t fuck around.
I’ll be honest guys: I didn’t finish watching Don’t Look Under the Bed. I made it halfway through and thought, this is enough. I’ve looked under the bed and there’s just no reason to continuing the film hiding under there.