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An [insert here] for Christmas!

While shepherds watched their schlock by night…

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Christmas

The 12 Dogs of Christmas (2005, dir. Kieth Merrill)

I can describe the premise to The 12 Dogs of Christmas very easily by using the words of a pal on Facebook: “Footloose but with dogs instead of dancing”. Also, it’s set in the Great Depression. “I hope this film gets cheerier,” I said, ten minutes after forgetting the setting.

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A Bulldog for Christmas (2013, dir. Henrique Couto)

It’s not often you come across a film that’s written, directed, shot and edited by the same person- even less when that same person casts themselves as a mischievous (and… British?) elf named “CHIPS!”.

EVEN LESS OFTEN when you find out the film was funded on INDIEGOGO because after making several horror movies Chips fancied his hand at a Christmas flick. These are beautiful signs that the DVD that’s fallen into my lap is to be treasured. Do you believe in fate?

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Guest Post: A Star for Christmas (2012, dir. Michael Feifer)

It’s a bloody honour to not have to watch this turd of a film: today’s review has been written by Marcus Crabb, a brilliantly hilarious dude and my comedy grandson. You can follow him @MarcusOfCrabbs or his wonderful drag persona Kate Butch @katebutch1 (the latter will lead you down a rabbit hole to Haus of Dench, one of the best drag houses going. ANYWAY, enjoy the review, the review is why we’re here.)

It’s a sad thing when the deliberately bad Christmas film inside the intentionally good Christmas film is better than the intentionally good Christmas film. Such is the case with The Last Christmas Carol, the action thriller that is the centre piece of A Star For Christmas, during which I genuinely threw up in my mouth.

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A Cinderella Christmas (2016, dir. Tosca Musk)

Are you ready for the same story you’ve heard a billion times before? Then I’ll begin.

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A Christmas Carol: The Musical (2004, dir. Arthur Allan Seidelman)

This is a story that on face value you’d equate with the Charles Dickens classic but I disagree. The original Dickens Carol is a ghost story which leads to the transformation of an old miser. A Christmas Carol: The Musical starts with me channel-hopping, saying “is that Jane Krakowski?” and going wild from there.

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A Wish for Christmas (2016, dir. Christie Will Wolf)

It’s that time of the year again: 31 films from the best to the worst of bad Christmas movies on offer, and 24 sleeps until Christmas! Except I wrote this post with 49 sleeps til Christmas because this is my fourth year of lovingly reviewing crap and I don’t fuck around.

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Santa’s Little Helper (2015, dir. Gil Junger)

You know you’re in too deep in the world of crap seasonal movies when you find yourself A) watching your third film starring Mike “the Miz” Mizanin, and B) considering that the Miz’s acting has really improved a lot since Christmas Bounty. I’m just making myself cosy down the rabbit hole.

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A Princess for Christmas (2011, dir. Michael Damian)

Yay, yet another story about an American who encounters an obscure royal family unexpectedly! Again!

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Santa Who? (2000, dir. William Dear)

Santa Who? has one of my favourite opening sequences in all seasonal moviedom. Let me try to set the scene for you.

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