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An [insert here] for Christmas!

While shepherds watched their schlock by night…

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1 star

Oh dear. Not worth the bandwidth they steal.

The Three Dogateers Save Christmas (2014, dir. Jesse Baget)

I wanted so much from this film and instead I am an empty husk. Welcome to The Three Dogateers Save Christmas!

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A Cinderella Christmas (2016, dir. Tosca Musk)

Are you ready for the same story you’ve heard a billion times before? Then I’ll begin.

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A Christmas Carol: The Musical (2004, dir. Arthur Allan Seidelman)

This is a story that on face value you’d equate with the Charles Dickens classic but I disagree. The original Dickens Carol is a ghost story which leads to the transformation of an old miser. A Christmas Carol: The Musical starts with me channel-hopping, saying “is that Jane Krakowski?” and going wild from there.

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Don’t Look Under the Bed (1999, dir. Kenneth Johnson)

I’ll be honest guys: I didn’t finish watching Don’t Look Under the Bed. I made it halfway through and thought, this is enough. I’ve looked under the bed and there’s just no reason to continuing the film hiding under there.

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Santa Who? (2000, dir. William Dear)

Santa Who? has one of my favourite opening sequences in all seasonal moviedom. Let me try to set the scene for you.

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The Christmas Shepherd (2014, dir. Terry Ingram)

I hate it when a film preferences dull if competent romance over presposterous dialogue and wooden leads.

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A Christmas Wedding Date (2002, dir. Fred Olen Ray)

This film was made just 4 years ago, a fact which I can’t get my head around by how hideously grainy the video quality is. The VHS-style technique plus the protagonist’s mum’s hairstyle are very ’80s. Naturally I’m going into this film with very little trust.

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Angel of Christmas (2015, dir. Brian Herzlinger)

I see you, Susan, using that old trick from year nine where you type in a bigger font so it looks like you’ve written more than you have. Classic move.

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Christmas Wedding Baby (2014, dir. Kiara Jones)

No prizes for guessing what this film might entail: three sisters face weddings, babies and apparently Christmas (though blink and you’ll miss that last one).

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