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An [insert here] for Halloween!

Your go-to for the creepy and the crappy.

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1 star

Oh dear. Not worth the bandwidth they steal.

Santa Who? (2000, dir. William Dear)

Santa Who? has one of my favourite opening sequences in all seasonal moviedom. Let me try to set the scene for you.

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The Christmas Shepherd (2014, dir. Terry Ingram)

I hate it when a film preferences dull if competent romance over presposterous dialogue and wooden leads.

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A Christmas Wedding Date (2002, dir. Fred Olen Ray)

This film was made just 4 years ago, a fact which I can’t get my head around by how hideously grainy the video quality is. The VHS-style technique plus the protagonist’s mum’s hairstyle are very ’80s. Naturally I’m going into this film with very little trust.

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Angel of Christmas (2015, dir. Brian Herzlinger)

I see you, Susan, using that old trick from year nine where you type in a bigger font so it looks like you’ve written more than you have. Classic move.

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Christmas Wedding Baby (2014, dir. Kiara Jones)

No prizes for guessing what this film might entail: three sisters face weddings, babies and apparently Christmas (though blink and you’ll miss that last one).

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A Snow Globe Christmas (2013, dir. Jodi Binstock)

Oh check it, it’s another film about alternate realities where career driven women find out what it’d be like if they’d married their high school sweetheart! Is the answer ever not “really well, undo the last ten years of career advancement”? Sure isn’t!

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Married by Christmas/ The Engagement Clause (2016, dir. Letia Clouston)

Why are so many people in films getting married at Christmas? Is December not a stressful enough month for you without simultaneously planning stocking fillers and salmon fillets? But Katie ignores that blindly as she cried, “clear your calendars for Christmas Eve because you’re going to a Christmas wedding!” What? No! You’ve just told us on Thanksgiving, I got stuff to do in 3 weeks’ time!

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Holiday Help (2014, dir. Graeme Campbell)

Talk about an identity crisis- less than a minute into Holiday Help a title screen tells me it’s actually called Santa’s Secret. Make up your minds, lads.

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Merry Kissmas (2015, dir. Michael Feifer)

Merry Kissmas is another in the beloved Christmas movie trope: a chance encounter in a lift (I’ll also accept calling it Love in an Elevator). We have A Christmas Kiss to thank for really introducing this cinematic classic to the mainstream.

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