A Very Nutty Christmas (2018, dir. Colin Theys)

A Very Nutty Christmas has one of those fish out of water premises that always offers promise at this time of year. A nutcracker solider come to life after he’s bestowed on Melissa Joan Hart of all people by a kindly is magical old German man? Ja bitte!

Beverley Hills Christmas 2 (2018, dir. Christian Filippella)

High-school acting skills accompany a plot that throws everything at the wall to see what sticks: it’s like the hundred monkeys taking a toilet break from their hundred typewriters. I had a wonderful time.

A Wish for Christmas (2016, dir. Christie Will Wolf)

It’s that time of the year again: 31 films from the best to the worst of bad Christmas movies on offer, and 24 sleeps until Christmas! Except I wrote this post with 49 sleeps til Christmas because this is my fourth year of lovingly reviewing crap and I don’t fuck around.

A Boyfriend for Christmas (2004, dir. Kevin Connor)

This has to be one of my all-time favourite bad films, a total pick me up for if you’re feeling bad-crappy and need something good-crappy. How do you know a film is the one? When it opens on teenagers in the ’80s complaining about boys not wanting to have sex, to the soundtrack of the All I Want for Christmas rip-off song, “Santa Bring a Boyfriend to Me”.

DING DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER!

A Puppy for Christmas (2016, dir. Justin G Dyck and Myles Milne)

At first I couldn’t find a director credit at all, then I found two. Like buses aren’t they, directors. You wait for ages and then they bring you a perfect turd film. Or something like that.

40 Below and Falling (2015, dir. Dylan Pearce)

Full disclosure: I watched 40 Below and Falling on Wednesday 9th November this year, a day which was pretty impactful in American/world politics, but I don’t think it affected my viewing of the film that much. Like the film description: “a stranger makes a teacher question her future”. I’m sure I had loads of strangers in mind who might be making many people question their future. Their terrifying future… anyway!

Titanic II (2010, dir. Shane van Dyke)

Fun fact: I started watching this film one evening, then rewatched it in full about a week later. Both times I made the same snarky comment in my notes about the extras who weren’t wearing bras (“budget so low can’t afford underwear”). 

Ghost Shark (2013, dir. Griff Furst)

Welcome to the small port town of Smallport (no you’re right, don’t strain yourself coming up with town names), a place haunted by ghostly sharks and teenagers who do not know how to react to death.

Luckily I’ve seen Ghost Shark‘s spiritual predecessor, Jaws, so I knew what to expect- right up until ghost shark gets shot and then revived by…voodoo…?

Naughty or Nice (2012, dir. David MacKay)

A lead who can actually act well? A plot which is quite original and pretty interesting? Oh ABC, you’re treating me! Did you forget this is a generally pants genre?

A Very Cool Christmas (2004, dir. Sam Irvin)

Full disclosure, I started watching Christmas films way early this year. October was probably a bit too keen, but I’m just glad I saw A Very Cool Christmas at the earliest possible convenience. It’s really something, gang.