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An [insert here] for Christmas!

May your days be merry and bright, and your films enjoyably shite

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Halloween

Troll 2 (1990, dir. Claudio Fragasso)

I know it’s a big name already but it’d be remiss of me not to bring up Troll 2 when I’m rounding up a list of the best and most ridiculous Halloween films out there. That and I can’t be bothered to finish watching Tower of Terror (1997, Steve Gutenburg is in it. It’s a bit too alright, can’t glean too much crap from it).

Continue reading “Troll 2 (1990, dir. Claudio Fragasso)”

Titanic II (2010, dir. Shane van Dyke)

Fun fact: I started watching this film one evening, then rewatched it in full about a week later. Both times I made the same snarky comment in my notes about the extras who weren’t wearing bras (“budget so low can’t afford underwear”).  Continue reading “Titanic II (2010, dir. Shane van Dyke)”

Scooby Doo WWE WrestleMania Mystery (2014, dir. Brandon Vietti)

If there’s one mystery-solving gang we can rely on to adapt to the times, it’s Scooby and co. Heck, it’s a wonder Scoob is still alive after all this time but Mystery Inc. are always at the forefront of what the kids love. Fred’s ditched the ascot, Velma’s swapped a magnifying glass for a tablet, and WrestleMania is all the rage!!

Continue reading “Scooby Doo WWE WrestleMania Mystery (2014, dir. Brandon Vietti)”

When Evil Calls (2006, dir. Johannes Roberts)

Have you ever watched a film that’s so ugly and grotesque and full of violence that it makes you feel physically sick and you wonder what you’ve done to deserve this?

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Beauty and the Beast (2009, dir. David Lister)

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, this time they solve murders.

It’s a less traditional take on the classic fairytale, I’ll give them that. In fact, Syfy’s Beauty and the Beast seems a lot less informed by Disney and a lot more informed by some marketing team wondering how they can reuse those medieval outfits and the lone Oktoberfest wench costume.

Continue reading “Beauty and the Beast (2009, dir. David Lister)”

The Worst Witch (1986, dir. Robert Young)

Pretty sure everybody who grew up in the 90s and 00s remembers watching Worst Witch/forgetting to turn the channel over whilst an episode was on. Heck, I even ended up at uni with one of the girls from the reboot (sadly not Rogue One star Felicity Jones though- shame). What you may not be so familiar with is the 80s feature length film about the hapless hex-caster.

Except you DO know this film because it gave us THIS:

Continue reading “The Worst Witch (1986, dir. Robert Young)”

Ghost Shark (2013, dir. Griff Furst)

Welcome to the small port town of Smallport (no you’re right, don’t strain yourself coming up with town names), a place haunted by ghostly sharks and teenagers who do not know how to react to death.

Luckily I’ve seen Ghost Shark‘s spiritual predecessor, Jaws, so I knew what to expect- right up until ghost shark gets shot and then revived by…voodoo…?

Continue reading “Ghost Shark (2013, dir. Griff Furst)”

When Good Ghouls Go Bad (2001, dir. Patrick Read Johnson)

For a town that’s terrified of Halloween, the kids in When Good Ghouls Go Bad sure like sneaking into crypts and speculating about dead teenagers, the morbid weirdos.

Halloween is banned in their town because in a flashback from the 80s a child who looked like the lost member of The Cure made a satanic statue and accidentally incinerated himself- yes, this is a family film. It’s kindof like if Toy Story 3 had gone down the far more grim story path.

Continue reading “When Good Ghouls Go Bad (2001, dir. Patrick Read Johnson)”

Midnight Masquerade (2014, dir. Graeme Campbell)

When will Graeme Campbell learn.

It took me far too long to realise that Midnight Masquerade is just Cinderella, if Cinderella worked in a legal agency and were a man. It’s a bit shameful I didn’t twig earlier- the film opens with a title card reading “Once upon a Halloween” and everything. In my defense, I was laughing at the super unnecessary green screen building exterior.

Continue reading “Midnight Masquerade (2014, dir. Graeme Campbell)”

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