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An [insert here] for Christmas!

May your days be merry and bright, and your films enjoyably shite

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Review

Santa’s Little Helper (2015, dir. Gil Junger)

You know you’re in too deep in the world of crap seasonal movies when you find yourself A) watching your third film starring Mike “the Miz” Mizanin, and B) considering that the Miz’s acting has really improved a lot since Christmas Bounty. I’m just making myself cosy down the rabbit hole.

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A Princess for Christmas (2011, dir. Michael Damian)

Yay, yet another story about an American who encounters an obscure royal family unexpectedly! Again!

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Santa Who? (2000, dir. William Dear)

Santa Who? has one of my favourite opening sequences in all seasonal moviedom. Let me try to set the scene for you.

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The Christmas Shepherd (2014, dir. Terry Ingram)

I hate it when a film preferences dull if competent romance over presposterous dialogue and wooden leads.

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A Boyfriend for Christmas (2004, dir. Kevin Connor)

This has to be one of my all-time favourite bad films, a total pick me up for if you’re feeling bad-crappy and need something good-crappy. How do you know a film is the one? When it opens on teenagers in the ’80s complaining about boys not wanting to have sex, to the soundtrack of the All I Want for Christmas rip-off song, “Santa Bring a Boyfriend to Me”.

DING DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER!

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A Christmas Wedding Date (2002, dir. Fred Olen Ray)

This film was made just 4 years ago, a fact which I can’t get my head around by how hideously grainy the video quality is. The VHS-style technique plus the protagonist’s mum’s hairstyle are very ’80s. Naturally I’m going into this film with very little trust.

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A Puppy for Christmas (2016, dir. Justin G Dyck and Myles Milne)

At first I couldn’t find a director credit at all, then I found two. Like buses aren’t they, directors. You wait for ages and then they bring you a perfect turd film. Or something like that.

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Christmas Wedding Baby (2014, dir. Kiara Jones)

No prizes for guessing what this film might entail: three sisters face weddings, babies and apparently Christmas (though blink and you’ll miss that last one).

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Santa Claws (2014, dir. Glenn Miller)

From the assistant director of Bone Alone (not the porno) and The Dog Who Saved EasterThe Dog Who Saved Easter comes An [Insert Here] for Christmas’ first insipid festive cat film of the year, woohoo!

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