You want a film that works on matriachy? Cos I have an unexpected Christmas treat for ya here: Mrs Claus calls the shots. Here you go!
I love the desperation behind a double-titled film: either way you butter it, this film is gonna be no good. It’s Romeo and Juliet with tree farms. Even Marvista doesn’t believe in the premise, check out the afterthought of a font they use.
Hallmark have gone all out here. The budget for Kristin Favies, Shirley MacLaine, Will from Will and Grace and here’s the real coup, the rights to use an actual well-known Christmas song?? Settle in lads, this crap will have a real decent production value!
Except on Photoshop, Hallmark will forever be the paint.net station.
PALS, how often does this happen: you’re dating a posh sounding guy you probably met at the UN, because this is New York. He needs to go abroad occasionally and he’s always followed by bodyguards but that’s just boyfriends, right? WRONG! He’s a European prince.
Fun fact: I started watching this film last year and finally managed to finish it this November! I’m excited because that’s super thematically relevant: the movie follows childhood friends Sam and Cat every Christmas between the ages of 20 to 27. That’s where my enthusiasm ends, sadly because Oh Boy.
Nobody cared about this one, did they? I mean, I get it: the plot, bringing two old sweethearts together in their small town to run a cookie competition is SOMEHOW by now rote in the seasonal movie canon. Denise Richards is maybe still riding high off her Bond girl millions and Patrick Muldoon his Boyfriend for Christmas…thousands.
Happy December everyone! Are you sitting comfortably? Ready to read as I dive into a silo of festive crap, searching for a shining turd of a TV film? Then I’ll begin- with Christmas Festival of Ice, directed by Bradley Walsh.
I can describe the premise to The 12 Dogs of Christmas very easily by using the words of a pal on Facebook: “Footloose but with dogs instead of dancing”. Also, it’s set in the Great Depression. “I hope this film gets cheerier,” I said, ten minutes after forgetting the setting.
It’s not often you come across a film that’s written, directed, shot and edited by the same person- even less when that same person casts themselves as a mischievous (and… British?) elf named “CHIPS!”.
EVEN LESS OFTEN when you find out the film was funded on INDIEGOGO because after making several horror movies Chips fancied his hand at a Christmas flick. These are beautiful signs that the DVD that’s fallen into my lap is to be treasured. Do you believe in fate?
It’s a bloody honour to not have to watch this turd of a film: today’s review has been written by Marcus Crabb, a brilliantly hilarious dude and my comedy grandson. You can follow him @MarcusOfCrabbs or his wonderful drag persona Kate Butch @katebutch1 (the latter will lead you down a rabbit hole to Haus of Dench, one of the best drag houses going. ANYWAY, enjoy the review, the review is why we’re here.)
It’s a sad thing when the deliberately bad Christmas film inside the intentionally good Christmas film is better than the intentionally good Christmas film. Such is the case with The Last Christmas Carol, the action thriller that is the centre piece of A Star For Christmas, during which I genuinely threw up in my mouth.