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An [insert here] for Christmas!

While shepherds watched their schlock by night…

A Bulldog for Christmas (2013, dir. Henrique Couto)

It’s not often you come across a film that’s written, directed, shot and edited by the same person- even less when that same person casts themselves as a mischievous (and… British?) elf named “CHIPS!”.

EVEN LESS OFTEN when you find out the film was funded on INDIEGOGO because after making several horror movies Chips fancied his hand at a Christmas flick. These are beautiful signs that the DVD that’s fallen into my lap is to be treasured. Do you believe in fate?

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Guest Post: A Star for Christmas (2012, dir. Michael Feifer)

It’s a bloody honour to not have to watch this turd of a film: today’s review has been written by Marcus Crabb, a brilliantly hilarious dude and my comedy grandson. You can follow him @MarcusOfCrabbs or his wonderful drag persona Kate Butch @katebutch1 (the latter will lead you down a rabbit hole to Haus of Dench, one of the best drag houses going. ANYWAY, enjoy the review, the review is why we’re here.)

It’s a sad thing when the deliberately bad Christmas film inside the intentionally good Christmas film is better than the intentionally good Christmas film. Such is the case with The Last Christmas Carol, the action thriller that is the centre piece of A Star For Christmas, during which I genuinely threw up in my mouth.

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The Three Dogateers Save Christmas (2014, dir. Jesse Baget)

I wanted so much from this film and instead I am an empty husk. Welcome to The Three Dogateers Save Christmas!

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A Cinderella Christmas (2016, dir. Tosca Musk)

Are you ready for the same story you’ve heard a billion times before? Then I’ll begin.

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A Christmas Carol: The Musical (2004, dir. Arthur Allan Seidelman)

This is a story that on face value you’d equate with the Charles Dickens classic but I disagree. The original Dickens Carol is a ghost story which leads to the transformation of an old miser. A Christmas Carol: The Musical starts with me channel-hopping, saying “is that Jane Krakowski?” and going wild from there.

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A Wish for Christmas (2016, dir. Christie Will Wolf)

It’s that time of the year again: 31 films from the best to the worst of bad Christmas movies on offer, and 24 sleeps until Christmas! Except I wrote this post with 49 sleeps til Christmas because this is my fourth year of lovingly reviewing crap and I don’t fuck around.

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Don’t Look Under the Bed (1999, dir. Kenneth Johnson)

I’ll be honest guys: I didn’t finish watching Don’t Look Under the Bed. I made it halfway through and thought, this is enough. I’ve looked under the bed and there’s just no reason to continuing the film hiding under there.

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All Hallows Eve (2016, dir. Charlie Vaughn)

“Are you watching a crap film again?”
“Yep, it’s called All Hallows Eve and the protagonist is called Eve Hallows
“Oh God.”

Welcome back everyone. Join me if you dare as we embark once more on the best and worst of Halloween flicks…

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Santa’s Little Helper (2015, dir. Gil Junger)

You know you’re in too deep in the world of crap seasonal movies when you find yourself A) watching your third film starring Mike “the Miz” Mizanin, and B) considering that the Miz’s acting has really improved a lot since Christmas Bounty. I’m just making myself cosy down the rabbit hole.

Continue reading “Santa’s Little Helper (2015, dir. Gil Junger)”

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