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An [insert here] for Christmas!

May your days be merry and bright, and your films enjoyably shite

Santa’s Little Helper (2015, dir. Gil Junger)

You know you’re in too deep in the world of crap seasonal movies when you find yourself A) watching your third film starring Mike “the Miz” Mizanin, and B) considering that the Miz’s acting has really improved a lot since Christmas Bounty. I’m just making myself cosy down the rabbit hole.

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A Princess for Christmas (2011, dir. Michael Damian)

Yay, yet another story about an American who encounters an obscure royal family unexpectedly! Again!

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Santa Who? (2000, dir. William Dear)

Santa Who? has one of my favourite opening sequences in all seasonal moviedom. Let me try to set the scene for you.

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The Christmas Shepherd (2014, dir. Terry Ingram)

I hate it when a film preferences dull if competent romance over presposterous dialogue and wooden leads.

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A Boyfriend for Christmas (2004, dir. Kevin Connor)

This has to be one of my all-time favourite bad films, a total pick me up for if you’re feeling bad-crappy and need something good-crappy. How do you know a film is the one? When it opens on teenagers in the ’80s complaining about boys not wanting to have sex, to the soundtrack of the All I Want for Christmas rip-off song, “Santa Bring a Boyfriend to Me”.

DING DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER!

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A Christmas Wedding Date (2002, dir. Fred Olen Ray)

This film was made just 4 years ago, a fact which I can’t get my head around by how hideously grainy the video quality is. The VHS-style technique plus the protagonist’s mum’s hairstyle are very ’80s. Naturally I’m going into this film with very little trust.

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The Perfect Holiday (2007, dir. Lance Rivera)

Your classic romance: a single mum, a mall Santa pretending to be a travelling salesman (like that’s cooler?), a rapper ex- and all watched over by mystical Queen Latifah.

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Angel of Christmas (2015, dir. Brian Herzlinger)

I see you, Susan, using that old trick from year nine where you type in a bigger font so it looks like you’ve written more than you have. Classic move.

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A Puppy for Christmas (2016, dir. Justin G Dyck and Myles Milne)

At first I couldn’t find a director credit at all, then I found two. Like buses aren’t they, directors. You wait for ages and then they bring you a perfect turd film. Or something like that.

Continue reading “A Puppy for Christmas (2016, dir. Justin G Dyck and Myles Milne)”

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