You know you’re in too deep in the world of crap seasonal movies when you find yourself A) watching your third film starring Mike “the Miz” Mizanin, and B) considering that the Miz’s acting has really improved a lot since Christmas Bounty. I’m just making myself cosy down the rabbit hole.
Your classic romance: a single mum, a mall Santa pretending to be a travelling salesman (like that’s cooler?), a rapper ex- and all watched over by mystical Queen Latifah.
This is another of those films about a woman in a coma who sets out to stop Big Business buying out her small town– how is this now a subgenre I recognise and see regularly in seasonal films? What is it about a horrible car crash and potential loss of business that screams Christmas!!! to Jack Angelo and his pals?
After gems like The National Tree and A Very Cool Christmas, sitting down to this film is a bit underwhelming. There’s a cute dog and a nice orchestral score- bloody hell, you know it’s not that good a bad film when my notes included “nice score”. That’s how dull A Golden Christmas is.
In bad Christmas movies there are 3 types of children: adorable mute toddlers who never cry, adorable precocious muffins who will say things that are wise beyond their years and in the case of Christmas Angel, a f*cking judgemental child who needs to mind her damn business.
Oh check it, it’s another film about alternate realities where career driven women find out what it’d be like if they’d married their high school sweetheart! Is the answer ever not “really well, undo the last ten years of career advancement”? Sure isn’t!
From the assistant director of Bone Alone (not the porno) and The Dog Who Saved EasterThe Dog Who Saved Easter comes An [Insert Here] for Christmas’ first insipid festive cat film of the year, woohoo!
I cannot get over how good Demand 5’s summaries are for these films, mad props to whoever gets paid to write them. “A woman travels back in time to fix her relationship”? SOLD.